Welcome back, gem hunters, to Week 3 of Dancing With the Stars: After the Fall.
Last week it was farewell to Sharna Burgess, goddess of jewel tones, and Tavis Smiley, who has a book tour. He just couldn't commit 98 percent of his waking hours to dance training and 2 percent to spray tanning -- so he's outta there. Read the rules next time, Smiley!
Tonight is MOVIE NIGHT, which hopefully means Carrie Ann will conjure up enough internal drama to fall off her chair again. But let's not get too greedy. Any of the contestants could mess up. So many boas.
If you can't watch liiiive on TV tonight (or live on the west coast) (or will be at your real job, like me), try the DWTS All-Access live streams to see the performances and hear from the stars throughout the show!
DANCMSTR Len Goodman, the show hasn't started -- but trust me, we miss you already.
Discuss the performances here! I'll try to float back in with comments overnight.
Oh wow. Well, this was sad. Randy was charming and so at ease being shirtless, it seemed like he and Dancing With the Stars were a match made in ballroom heaven. Yet it's a harsh farewell to Randy Couture and Karina Smirnoff following tonight's not-even-that-Rocky paso doble. Perhaps this is his punishment for not going "boom!" and getting half the people in the front row pregnant mid-dance, like he was supposed to.
No problem! Randy doesn't care at all that he was eliminated. And why should he? It's all absurd.
But how did the rest of these crazies do?
Bethany Mota and Derek Hough: 40/40 These two got the second perfect 40 of the season for their "Singin’ in the Rain"…what dance was this? It doesn’t matter. Because they got Gene Kelly’s wife to come by rehearsal, and because Derek choreographed it, and because Bethany didn’t drop the umbrella (aw, I suddenly miss Charlie White so much) — 10s all around!
Gene Kelly is amazing, but this was merely well done. No need for a 40 here. Insane.
Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy: 40/40 And this jazz routine (don't call it a West Side Story) was the first 40! Production threw Val for a loop when the couple suddenly caught wind that they couldn't do anything resembling the movie... but they could still use the song. Quipped Tom in my biggest LOL moment of the night (because seriously what are the chances): "Who would have thought having lawyers involved could actually help?" These two shone so hard under pressure, you'd never know there was pressure at all. But again, really? 40?!
"You just opened up so many doors to your career," said Julianne Hough. Wait, who does she actually think is watching? Women With Wine At Home. That is your demo, girl. We don't make the decisions. We just laugh at them and then try to get some sleep.
Tommy Chong and Peta Murgatroyd: 34/40 Tommy enjoys the scent of a woman, and his particuarl partner happens to "smell like Maks." Whoa, Chong, what? That is so last season! Or a few seasons ago. Maybe a few minutes ago. I don't remember. I can't remember any of the steps. But luckily Chong did -- first time's the charm -- in this "unforced, languid, and sensual" Argentine Tango. The crowd made him do it!
Thanks for the 10, guest judge Kevin Hart. Hope you enjoy your free blunt after the show.
Jonathan Bennett and Allison Holker: 32/40 Allison and Mark Ballas discussed how HARD it is to be such GENIUSES and not get proper judges’ recognition for their work. Wahhhhhh! Who cares? I actually wasn't quite feelin' it during tonight's Great Gatsby tango; something about it wasn't pulling me in. I blame either a lack of basic chemistry between the partners or the smoke machine.
Erin was pretty funny tonight, but "It’s a two-hour show” is NOT an appropriate reply after someone answers the question you asked about how he felt during the dance. Jonathan Bennett's elbows don’t like to be in the air, okay? I wanted to hear more from him!
Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney Carson: 32/40 It is totally absurd that this Austin Powers quickstep got only straight 8s (I was dying laughing at Kevin Hart's screamed, pained scores tonight, by the way) when Bethany and Janel each earned all 10s. I LOVED the "spontaneous" trailer park bit with the Troupe, but did not love their overuse during the show itself. This couple doesn't need the Troupe's embellishment. Let Witney carry Alfonso's fat ass across the floor by herself.
Excellent use of a random Chong Cam (cut to Tommy Chong for no reason save for the genuine delight of landing on Tommy Chong) after Kevin declared "You don't put a black man in a velvet suit and tell him to dance."
It’s like a puddle in Alfonso’s butt, y'all. This has been DWTS: TMI.
Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas: 32/40 Again, this adorable and (dare I say, for a Mark number) understated waltz in the style of Disney's Up deserved way higher scores if Bethany and Janel were gonna get those 40s. "Airy arms" or not, this was perhaps the best dance of the night. Excellent Minnie Mouse heels on Sadie. Was Minnie Mouse really an old lady about to float away from her husband? Whoa.
That Duck Dynasty guy was in the audience. He's her dad. I refuse to check on his first name. WHO CARES.
Lea Thompson and Artem Chigvintsev: 31/40 There is not a whole lot to love about season 19 of Dancing With the Stars, but one of my favorite perks: So far it's essentially a battle between Tommy Chong and Lea Thompson for my gem-encrusted heart. CELEBRITIES. For Lea and Artem's Back to the Future cha cha, Lorraine McFly was all grown up and her prom date just got a lot tanner. I can't get mad at them for capitalizing on Lea's major movie role, because hello, have you ever seen DWTS? This shit is, like, required. Everyone does it. Because they can only do it the one time! I thought this was great.
Sure, I noticed the error, but it was so not a big deal. I loved when Tom checked in with Lea after Carrie Ann said she looked uncertain during the dance. "Did you feel that way?" "No!"
Betsey Johnson and Tony Dovolani: 29/40 Lady can do a back walkover into the splits at age 72. She could rip the mirrorball out of its socket (an undisclosed location deep within Derek's pants, I'M KIDDING) right now and I'd be happy to see her wobble away with it. They danced a contemporary routine in the style of Ghost -- but were they following the movie? I'll be honest: I stopped following, plot-wise, after becoming mesmerized early on by Tony's decision to go with only one button, shirt-wise. I had to snap out of it, of course, as he stepped gingerly into the hazy afterlife at the end of the dance. NO, TONY! DON'T DIE!
Also: No, Betsy, that's a facelift if I ever saw one.
Whoa, a 6 from Julianne. She "dropped it like it was cold.” Solid observation from Tom.
Antonio Sabato Jr. and Cheryl Burke: 29/40 Ha, look, it's a Walkman. Does Cheryl remember those? Nope! Ain't no mountain high enough to make me believe this foxtrot had anything to do with Guardians of the Galaxy, my friends. You had the singing scene from Stepmom staring you down, Susan Sarandon-style, and you went with the popular 2014 release instead? Weak, guys. Moments after the freaking Delorean comes out, you're just gonna put on a tux, and that’s it? Whatever, Antionio! Not good enough, underwear model. Not good enough.
Michael Waltrip and Emma Slater: 28/40 Ha! That Robin Hood hat is not something a grown man should ever wear. Dude looked just like a Keebler Elf, dancing in front of so many trees during that waltz. Julianne called it Michael's "best dance ever."
Translation: Hey! You gave it a shot.
'Til next week, DANCMSTRs!