Welcome, gem hunters, to Week 6 of Dancing With the Stars: The Suspenders Aren't Killing Us; In Fact We Mandate Them.
Last week no one went home thanks to the Partner Switch Up, but tonight you can bet your fringed bottoms we'll have some sparkle-tears at the end of LATIN NIGHT.
Pitbull is here as guest judge. I still barely know who this is, but I don't think dogs should be allowed to judge. Also, everyone's favorite Scientologist who was never allowed to say the word "Scientology" on Dancing With the Stars will be guest-hosting with Tom.
Welcome back, Leah Remini. And whatever, Pitbull.
The nine remaining couples will dance Salsa, Rumba, Foxtrot, Tango, or Jazz.
If you can't watch liiiive on TV tonight, try the DWTS All-Access live streams to see the dances and hear from the couples throughout the show.
Discuss it here! I'll try to float back in with comments overnight.
Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney Carson: 39/40 I would say "I pulled my groin doing the Carlton" is the new "hospitalized for dehydration," but it's different because Alfonso's is absolutely true and could never be disputed. Their "big booty" salsa (probably a Pitbull song I don't care I don't care I DON'T CARE!) was way too distracting up on the platform, what with all the blinding light and wind machines and Witney's back injury, plus groins. But once they got down to the floor ("reality"), I couldn't take my eyes off Alfonso. And not just because of that obnoxious red suit!
Carrie Ann did this:
10 "paddles" to the ass. Her boob didn't fall out, but it may as well have, because that took forever and was just weird. The only great thing about it was soon-to-be-booted Jonathan "The Eyes Have It" Bennett.
The eyes didn't have it there, or ever again. (Allison's kind of did in this screenshot, though, which I love.) Poor guy's going home. No more lean girl Jonathan Bennett.
I would say we'll miss him, but I'll mostly miss his eyes.
And we can look at them right here whenever we feel like it!
Bethany Mota and Derek Hough: 36/40 "A YouTube event in Australia," guys. I can't. As soon as she slipped during their tango, I lost interest. Wait, no. I was rolling my eyes well before that, because the lighting for this dance was so dim we could barely see what they were doing. Meanwhile, Leah Remini badgered Derek: "You don't know what it's like to get a 5 or 7. Do you? DO YOU?"
Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas: 35/40 Having to announce out loud, "I have a lot of Christian values" strikes me as one of the most useless/pandering things on the planet -- and I do mean lower-case planet, because this grandma-approved rumba just wasn't hot enough for Planet Mirrorballus. Why even make a 17-year-old suffer the embarrassing agony of ballroom's bedroom dance? Give her a playroom dance or something. (Contemporary.) (Kidding.)
Janel Parrish and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 33/40 I call "showmance" on these two. While I do believe that Val believes he's destined to sleep with all of his dance partners merely because he's Val and "I DON'T KNOW, NATURE JUST MADE THINGS WORK THAT WAY," the way he apologetically confessed that his feelings for Janel "can't just be phrased as a bite" struck me as classic Chmerkoverbal Sparklebarf. It's a wonderful language, but... sorry guys, Pitbull just doesn't see the passion.
Val disappeared into THE MIRRORWALL! Oh, how I've missed the Hidden Door-Jamb of DWTS. Val on Val could be Val's greatest partnership to date. Which samba move is this, Val? And why do you have a shirt on?
Lea Thompson and Artem Chigvintsev: 32/40 It's a shame if Switch-Up week really caused a rift in this formerly drama-free partnership, but I wonder if their intro package was just very heavily edited. Lea is such a trouper, for real. I would crumble like a popped bubble stuffed with gems if Artem said to me with a straight face, plus a shirt on: "I need amazing. Great is not an option." Like, eff you. Lift me.
But the couple delivered big time in their somewhat erratic but well-done (to my eyes, but maybe I just love boats) salsa. Artem went nautical with white pants and a copper-toned chest, while Lea was the living embodiment of the open water in an artfully tattered blue frock. The judges needlessly played up that this couple was pre-judging itself compared to Alfonso, who was also doing the salsa.
"Oh wow, we got another sentence out of Artem." Leah Remini is such a bully, and it's WORKING for me!
Michael Waltrip and Emma Slater: 30/40 Slowest. Argentine tango. Ever. He must be getting votes, because the judges' sudden swooning over his vulnerability and authenticity (translation: can't dance and can't dance) was 1-800-TOO-MUCH. The best part of this segment was that -- as ever! -- when Bruno Tonioli says "focus," it comes out as "fuck us." Which is what he really wants, so it all makes sense.
Tommy Chong and Peta Murgatroyd: 28/40 I still love the Chong, but barring Peta's amazing frothy fur-bottomed pink gown, this foxtrot fell flat for me. But who cares, really, when their intro package featured Tommy dragging a skeptical Peta to his favorite peyote place... and former DWTS Sparkalien Cloris Leachman of all people hovered over Tommy as an inspirational mirage! The whole scene felt very Wayne's World 2 to me, and believe it or not, I do mean that as a compliment.
Antonio Sabato Jr. and Cheryl Burke: 28/40 I'm surprised the judges didn't throw Antonio more bones here considering he went with Unbuttoned Shirt and Sexily Flopping Beltkerchief for the salsa. Alas! Hip action really does matter on Dancing With the Stars. Everything you thought you knew was a LIE.
Carrie Ann advised Antonio to "keep his nose to the prize."
My advice: Listen to anyone else.
Face Time with Julianne of the Night:
Jules wanted to add something after Bruno advised Antonio to learn how to transfer his weight for better hip action -- but Carrie Ann cut her off with some nonsense about how "Your trajectory is consistent."
Are you sad to see Jonathan and Allison go, especially on the same week he miraculously leapt from the floor to a kneeling position on the judges' table? Who knows what a different choreographer could have done with that flexibility and puppy-like desire to just be loved?
I love YOU, you know.
Tonight's sunset in Santa Monica: