Welcome, gem hunters, to Week 5 of Dancing With the Stars: Which Decade Is This?!
Last week fashion designer Betsey Johnson -- who would make a great DWTS comic strip character, so maybe Caroline in the City should get on that -- bid farewell to the only place more Sparklebarfy than one of her runway shows: the ballroom.
Sad. But Betsey truly shone bright like a Swarovski crystal during her time here -- and this way, her partner Tony Dovolani will be on hand after commercial breaks to twirl Karina around or ham it up with the Troupe.
Particularly, I'm picturing Tony and Lindsay dancing in a spoof campaign during which they'll convince us to buy some sort of ballroom teeth-whitening product -- not with words, but by the power of their gleaming smiles and the paso doble.
Do you see it yet? Is it happening?
Tonight is the Partner Switch Up!!! (Why do they refuse to hyphenate Switch-Up???)
If you can't watch liiiive on TV tonight, try the DWTS All-Access live streams to see the dances and hear from the couples throughout the show.
Discuss it here! I'll try to float back in with comments overnight. (Right now I'm pretty busy taste-testing gross wedding cake in Utopia.)
Okay, I'm back! 2005's self-proclaimed "bad boy of the ballroom" Tony is my new favorite pro. And Sasha gets an honorable mention for shimmying the hell out of that sheer ladies' blouse (close, but needed more faint zebra pattern).
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!
Sadie Robertson and Derek Hough: 36/40 It's Derek's Dynasty; we just live in it. This Charleston was a little more Baz Luhrmann than ballroom (I barely know what that even means), but hey, guest judge Jessie J was on board. "Clean lines." She's so technical. I didn't think this dance was superlative in any way except one: Sadie is one of those rare fowls who looks like she's wearing heels even when she's wearing flats.
Alfonso Ribeiro and Cheryl Burke: 34/40 Their Flamenco was by far my fave of the night, even though I at first thought it to be very strange that they weren't wearing just board shorts and body oil (DWTS All-Stars shout-out to Kelly and Val). This was hot, so I say more Flamenco, please! As long as Cheryl, that feisty, loose-mouthed, f***ing goddamn f***ing burping grown-ass woman, choreographs them all. Also: nice incorporation of hand chalk in this dance. What was up next on Alfonso's dance card -- the Vault?
"Give the shirt back to Seinfeld!" Tom quipped as Alfonso raced upstairs. It's the throwaway lines that matter most...
Did anyone else get uncomfortable when Alfonso compared "Witney's mouth and Cheryl's mouth"?
Lea Thompson and Val Chmerkovskiy: 34/40 Lea's so likable and Val -- even in a powdered wig -- is Val. So there's no way this Broadway number could have gone wrong. Sprinkle in a few Troupe Members in Crop Tops with Walkers to the mix (I suddenly feel like this could constitute its own show) and we've got a PARTY! In an old folks home. Which is pretty much the point of Dancing With the Stars ANYWAY.
Janel Parrish and Artem Chigvintsev: 33/40 Uh oh! Julianne was in the movie Burlesque (come for the Cher, stay for the Xtina, switch the movie off early because who in their right mind could get through that?) -- so these new little lovers are gonna have to hear about it. She may have had a point about how burlesque should be more of a tease than a constant reveal. But if Artem hadn't been rock-hard-abbing my favorite male pro look -- Just Suspenders -- in as constantly revealing a way as he was... well, I just don't see what the point would be. Of anything.
Bethany Mota and Mark Ballas: 32/40 You know what? If they have to do Hip-Hop on DWTS, I actually think Mark's (Michael Jackson-esque, he wishes) spin on it is a good one. This looked more like what So You Think You Can Dance might call "Pop" or "Video" as a style. At least Bethany could keep up. But seriously: No one cares if a ballroom dancing contestant can pull off a hard-hitting hip-hop.
Quote of the Night, from Bruno to young Bethany (who also wishes): "Madonna is a legend. But anyway..."
Antonio Sabato Jr. and Allison Holker: 28/40 Sorry to say, but ditto on the Bollywood nonsense. Why? No one cares. Despite Antonio's high-flying finish, this couple's entire segment was so boring. I guess my favorite moment was when a Twitter user called the former underwear model "a hot older Aladdin". Oh -- and of course, when Jessie J whipped out the 6 paddle to kick off the night on a fair/"mean" note, depending on your perspective. (I was pretty into her! A low pony in a glam setting? Bold move.)
Jonathan Bennett and Peta Murgatroyd: 24/40 I want to like him more; it's just not happening. It might work if he were a good dancer? I can't tell. As the dulcet tones of Joey Fatone's vocal performance (??????!) pierced my consciousness, I barely could remember who was dancing, let alone that they were doing the Jitterbug.
I'm also not sure I'll be able to survive the rest of the season without THIS FACE! It's Jonathan Bennett's greatest asset!
Tommy Chong and Emma Slater: 23/40 I was going to write all about their middling Mambo, but then I got high.
Michael Waltrip and Witney Carson: 20/40 Unlike Tommy's lackluster but "so fixable" groove, Michael's Disco routine probably deserved a score of only 5. ("They're so mean today!") But unlike many of you, I didn't think Michael was that creepy in the intro package. I even sputtered a rare LOL when he cupped both of her butt cheeks while practicing a lift, then apologized because "It's like you were my kid or something. Just wanted to make sure you didn't fall." I actually believed him here. I guess I am THAT GULLIBLE.
The evil '9' Bruno gave Janel was much creepier! Thanks to Tom for singling out the important stuff, as always.